My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
How's work?
Spinning.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Sext me about skeletons
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