I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have fence marks all over my body
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize