I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize