I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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