His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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