not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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