I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
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dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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