yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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