I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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