i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
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She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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