apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
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Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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