After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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