dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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