is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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