my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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