please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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