Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
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His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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