Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
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the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
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How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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