I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
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Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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