I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize