dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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