you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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