She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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