I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
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You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
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Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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