We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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