I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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