He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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