everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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