I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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