"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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