1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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