An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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