I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
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i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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