my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize