Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
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You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
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Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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