Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
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