She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
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you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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