Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
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I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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