if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize