I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
bring money and cleavage
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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