Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
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They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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