Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
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I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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