Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
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The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
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I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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