Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
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I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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