Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
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Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
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The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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