someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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