If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
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You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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