I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
MIDGETS
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My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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