mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
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She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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