I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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